So I’ve come up with this idea of how not to feel like shit about myself anymore.
What a gentle beginning.
Alright, back story. This parts probably going to come out a little bit pessimistic sounding and crappy but I think it has to or you don’t get the point, I don’t know. Anyway, here goes.
I don’t feel like myself anymore. I don’t know if it’s a combination of growing up, people getting sick and dying around me, having “short hair”, taking medicines for problems that seniors citizens have, dealing with weight gain, feeling either extremely older or younger than most of my friends, or watching “What not to Wear” and realizing that most of my closet contains clothes that look younger than I feel right now, not to mention DON’T FIT…I don’t know. Things are weird. Piss.
I feel like I went to therapy for two years, felt fantastic for awhile, obtained my goal of being able to let go of myself enough to fall in love, (and stay in love, love you bunny!) [aww, that was a little break in the clouds there] but then it started cracking. I know a lot of this bullshit happened when Dad got sick, and friends got sick, and money got tight, the semester was very difficult and people moved out and on on and on and on on and on, but…I’ve come to realize that through therapy I lost a lot of who really did make me happy at sometimes. I’ve spent 6-8 months in the gloom and doom of my room which is not actually gloomy or doomy at all but my bad attitude and inability to relate to other human beings at the current stage of my life made it as dark and cold as the catacombs.
What I’m digging at about this therapy thing was that I realized through all of that work that I invested too much time in other people and their happiness and ignored mine when none of them every relayed the favor. Okay, that makes sense. I changed some things, felt pretty good, things happened, whatever. When my Dad got sick and people reach out to you for like a month and then totally forget what you are going through and don’t even ask anymore…you start to feel like ASS. I decided this sensitive subject was something I was going to have to deal with on my own, and did. Not to say that no one cared, because people did care, and I totally understand that this is the kind of situation where sometimes you just don’t know what to say…I don’t know. I end like every sentence in ‘I don’t know’ when I’m talking and when
I’m blogging. ANYWAY…
The point is I lost a huge part of myself when I stopped living for other people. I am not saying I am going to back to my old ways, but I think it’s time to reach out to the world a bit more, and even if I don’t give back exactly what I put in, it will make me feel a bit more worthwhile and bring some joy to me. I think maybe at that time I was just reaching out to the wrong people. It’s time to change that.
I have devised a little project and I’m going to try to share it on this blog. If you know me well, you know that music and especially lyrics can kill me in a second. There are just certain songs that I can’t help but cry during, and the list might surprise you because some of them are extremely happy songs. I attach faces, memories, moments and feelings to each word and it just overwhelms me. Since I’ve been thinking about how to make things better and making out a game plan, when I was watching the Grammys and pink’s AMAZING performance, I listened to the lyrics in that song and they reached me in a bigger way than they ever had before. It was just the right moment.
Have you ever thrown a fistful of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, ‘I just don’t care.”
So, the name of my project is now fistful of glitter. Maybe the FOG project for short. That’s what I’ll tag it at in here. I am going to try to think more about what things in my life make me happy and recognize the moments that make my soul sparkle. I think I’m going to find that there is a lot I’ve been overlooking.
I’m not trying to like pimp out my blog or be like heyyy look at me, but I’m detaching it from my facebook and I’m encouraging comments and ideas. I want to follow through on this, and knowing what I know about myself – I thrive off of people – some feedback might help.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
I swear I'm going to try to do this more regularly!
This is going to the the blog to end all blogs, haha…
I have been meaning to write so much…there is constantly so much going around in my head that is supposed to make it to this blog and I never have a moment to sit down and write it out.
Luckily, I finished homework a little early, and while I’m watching my lovely TLC shows, it’s time to get them out.
I have experienced so much in the past month or so, it’s been very eye opening and wonderful and scary and suspenseful all at the same time.
Firstly, an update on Dad – he’s been getting his chemo every three weeks and getting scans. The cancer is basically gone from his lungs, which is incredible because that’s the only place it spread to besides his tumor. Way to kick stage four cancer right in the ass, Daddio. The tumor is still there and they are working on trying to see how it’s shrinking/if it’s shrinking, but I guess the way that it is situated makes it hard to see in a CAT scan. He’s got a scan coming up on the 13th, and what we are praying is that soon, like the doctors even said, they might be able to consider some “maintenance work” which would be something different than chemo because it’s really breaking Dad’s spirits right now. It’s really hard on him, and it’s hard to watch him go through so much just to be able to live – obviously for himself, but for us too. It makes you feel so guilty. They didn’t say that for sure they would be able to try something new or when they would, so we just have to see. I think what’s the hardest on our family is that all of us are not very good at not being in control of what’s going on. It’s a life changer and point of view changer, for sure.
Next, I got to fulfill a life dream of sitting in the front row of the Fox Theatre awhile back ago. Mind you, this was at Curious George Live, haha, but the best part of all of it was that I got to see my beautiful Marty on stage doing what he was born to do. It was honestly a dream come true. I was so dewy eyed the entire time, and it was extra fun because my Mom was right next to me. We talked about when I was a little kid going to see Sesame Street Live with my Uncle Rich, and I thought it was kind of sweet that we were together doing that again. I have not felt pride like that in so long. My heart swelled for my super star who I have always known would be doing this. It was so inspiring and it made me question my own goals and what really makes me happy. (Back to that soon!)
Next was Sam and John’s wedding which was fulfilling another self prophecy of how amazing it would be when it happened, haha. And let me tell you, it was even better! I don’t know a couple who belongs together more than Sam and John, and Dave and I had a blast hanging with old friends and meeting new ones. We took a bunch of great photo booth pictures and had lots of fun dancing. I feel so honored to have shared such a special day with two of the best people I know, and I can’t wait to see where life takes them and US together! <3
Rocky opened and closed in what seemed like a whirlwind of constant new casting and changes to the theory of the show, but it was as fun as ever and ended up being received very well. I definitely enjoyed meeting so many new friends and I think my favorite part of the Rocky experience is seeing next cast members participate in a midnight show for the first time – I swear, you feel like you’re famous. It’s just incredible. That show makes you feel so good about yourself, how you look, who you are – and I wish we could all harness that feeling more in our daily lives. I’ll definitely miss it and it makes me a little sad that it seemed to fly by so so so fast this year.
One thing I’ve realized from all of this is that I’ve got to sink my teeth into some creativity soon. Like, BIG TIME. I am rounding home base on the having a degree in Child Development thing, and I just would really love to get involved in the theatre in a bigger way. I know I need to work on my physical being and brush up on my skills, but I’d like to say I have the experience of audition for something real. I think I could do it, honestly. Especially children’s theater…it’s like I was meant to do it. I am just longing to work somewhere that has a solid staff and a good work ethic and somewhere that cranks out some serious shows…I can do this. Details to follow as I pursue this idea, whether it be trying to find a new group to audition for, etc. whatever…I don’t know just yet.
Life is great, even though at times right now it seems a little rough. I am nannying two amazing little girls who constantly make me smile and make me proud of them. I enjoy my time at Gymboree, and the center at HFCC where I am logging practicum hours. I love my man more than words can explain. I just got to belt it from my toenails on stage and it felt so good to make music and art with people that I love. Tootsie Rolls and Arnold Palmer Lites are delicious as ever, and Christmas is just around the corner. When times get hard, I think I’ll try to write a little more about what’s going on in my life and fill that bucket – it’s amazing what a positive attitude and a little reflection can do.
Sláinte Mhath!
I have been meaning to write so much…there is constantly so much going around in my head that is supposed to make it to this blog and I never have a moment to sit down and write it out.
Luckily, I finished homework a little early, and while I’m watching my lovely TLC shows, it’s time to get them out.
I have experienced so much in the past month or so, it’s been very eye opening and wonderful and scary and suspenseful all at the same time.
Firstly, an update on Dad – he’s been getting his chemo every three weeks and getting scans. The cancer is basically gone from his lungs, which is incredible because that’s the only place it spread to besides his tumor. Way to kick stage four cancer right in the ass, Daddio. The tumor is still there and they are working on trying to see how it’s shrinking/if it’s shrinking, but I guess the way that it is situated makes it hard to see in a CAT scan. He’s got a scan coming up on the 13th, and what we are praying is that soon, like the doctors even said, they might be able to consider some “maintenance work” which would be something different than chemo because it’s really breaking Dad’s spirits right now. It’s really hard on him, and it’s hard to watch him go through so much just to be able to live – obviously for himself, but for us too. It makes you feel so guilty. They didn’t say that for sure they would be able to try something new or when they would, so we just have to see. I think what’s the hardest on our family is that all of us are not very good at not being in control of what’s going on. It’s a life changer and point of view changer, for sure.
Next, I got to fulfill a life dream of sitting in the front row of the Fox Theatre awhile back ago. Mind you, this was at Curious George Live, haha, but the best part of all of it was that I got to see my beautiful Marty on stage doing what he was born to do. It was honestly a dream come true. I was so dewy eyed the entire time, and it was extra fun because my Mom was right next to me. We talked about when I was a little kid going to see Sesame Street Live with my Uncle Rich, and I thought it was kind of sweet that we were together doing that again. I have not felt pride like that in so long. My heart swelled for my super star who I have always known would be doing this. It was so inspiring and it made me question my own goals and what really makes me happy. (Back to that soon!)
Next was Sam and John’s wedding which was fulfilling another self prophecy of how amazing it would be when it happened, haha. And let me tell you, it was even better! I don’t know a couple who belongs together more than Sam and John, and Dave and I had a blast hanging with old friends and meeting new ones. We took a bunch of great photo booth pictures and had lots of fun dancing. I feel so honored to have shared such a special day with two of the best people I know, and I can’t wait to see where life takes them and US together! <3
Rocky opened and closed in what seemed like a whirlwind of constant new casting and changes to the theory of the show, but it was as fun as ever and ended up being received very well. I definitely enjoyed meeting so many new friends and I think my favorite part of the Rocky experience is seeing next cast members participate in a midnight show for the first time – I swear, you feel like you’re famous. It’s just incredible. That show makes you feel so good about yourself, how you look, who you are – and I wish we could all harness that feeling more in our daily lives. I’ll definitely miss it and it makes me a little sad that it seemed to fly by so so so fast this year.
One thing I’ve realized from all of this is that I’ve got to sink my teeth into some creativity soon. Like, BIG TIME. I am rounding home base on the having a degree in Child Development thing, and I just would really love to get involved in the theatre in a bigger way. I know I need to work on my physical being and brush up on my skills, but I’d like to say I have the experience of audition for something real. I think I could do it, honestly. Especially children’s theater…it’s like I was meant to do it. I am just longing to work somewhere that has a solid staff and a good work ethic and somewhere that cranks out some serious shows…I can do this. Details to follow as I pursue this idea, whether it be trying to find a new group to audition for, etc. whatever…I don’t know just yet.
Life is great, even though at times right now it seems a little rough. I am nannying two amazing little girls who constantly make me smile and make me proud of them. I enjoy my time at Gymboree, and the center at HFCC where I am logging practicum hours. I love my man more than words can explain. I just got to belt it from my toenails on stage and it felt so good to make music and art with people that I love. Tootsie Rolls and Arnold Palmer Lites are delicious as ever, and Christmas is just around the corner. When times get hard, I think I’ll try to write a little more about what’s going on in my life and fill that bucket – it’s amazing what a positive attitude and a little reflection can do.
Sláinte Mhath!
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
…and if I capture it on film will it mean that it’s the end and I’m alone?
I have seriously felt the need to get back to blogging, and it’s kind of funny because with all that’s going on in my life currently I have felt no need to write about any of it. What’s also funny is that this summer I have infinite amounts of time to do whatever I wanted because I was basically unemployed and responsibility free. The funny thing about being unemployed? You can’t afford to do anything. So, instead of embracing the time that I had and being happy just to be, I spent a lot of time just being uber depressed and lurking in the pulled-blinds darkness of my room.
I think it’s time to be done with that.
The infiltration of cancer in my life has taught me one thing; life is a gift and a responsibility, and if you don’t live it to the fullest it is your fault. It is your duty to make it the best you can. I think I spend too much time thinking about my duty to improve the lives of others to realize that I am neglecting my own needs and I’m not nurturing my own life. I find that I am my happiest when focusing on improving or adding to something. I’m all about the improvement in everything; I think it’s a teacher thing.
One problem I have been painfully suffering with lately is the fact that I am not so happy about how I look. I think this comes from a summer or undryed hair and makeupless face. It comes from fast food twice a day and a lack of fresh food. It comes from the unwillingness to buy new clothes because I don’t want to look at the size on the label. It comes from a constant comparison to the few females I hang out with who weigh about 6 pounds. It comes from constantly hiding behind a camera instead of being in the picture.
What’s strange right now is that my camera is broken, so I don’t even have the chance to hide behind it. Maybe that’s part of the reason I’ve slipped away from my group of friends and chosen to stay at home, laughing along with my "friends" in the sitcoms and singing with my "friends" on my CDs.
There is no feeling like standing around a piano with your friends and just letting go. Rocky has been so inspiring to me this year to break free and put myself out there. There is no moment in the world that I feel better about myself than when I really let go and just sing from every inch of my being. It’s what makes me feel like, “me.” I don’t know it that makes sense…
When we went shopping for stuff for the show the other day, these two ladies happen to cross my listening path; they were both big girls, and I don’t mean to compare but they were considerably bigger than me – complaining about how the girls on the “plus size” labels are all so pretty and how it’s unrealistic. “Why can’t I look like that? It’s not fair.” I stopped in my tracks and thought to myself, why CAN’T you be plus sized, pretty and REAL? It didn’t make sense to me. Obviously those women on the label had makeup and hair artists, and pretty fancy clothes, but I stopped and thought about it and realized…well maybe they look so good because they aren’t wearing sweatpants, with their hair in a pulled up pony? Maybe they took the time to take pride in how they looked and felt, and it seems to me that this boost of confidence that they have is in part due to the fact that they were wearing something that made them feel good about themselves. They took the time to make themselves feel good. That’s what it boils down to. For some people, it might not be “looking good.” Maybe it’s being in shape, or being good at a sport, or having your nails done or…I don’t know, working on your novel or getting your eyeliner on straight…it’s gotta be what works for you.
So what works for me? I don’t know, it’s a mix of things I guess. I just got my gym membership back. I love to dance, so Zumba is a really good class for me. I just wish there were more times I could get to it. I love putting on my ipod and hitting the elliptical too, so that’ll be good. I’ve been “dieting,” but my mind is always disdainful toward the idea of a diet. I’m trying to buy diet soda. I’m keeping track of what I’m eating, and Thursday is my “cheat” day. I’m not gonna stop the world and not go out to dinner with a friend or have a cookie if I want a damn cookie, but I’m just going to try to make better choices and be aware of what I’m putting into my body, and also very importantly, what it does to my body when I put it in. Besides trying to get physical, I think the most of this needs to be emotional and cognitive. I need to spend more time thinking about what works for me and thinking of me in general. I’ve gotta put myself out there to make and maintain friends and get phone calls to go do things. I’ve spent so much time brooding over my group of friends changing so drastically and not feeling like I have a place to fit in anymore, and I know that my private grief and reactions to what my family is currently experiencing has been a huge part of my seclusion, but I guess I’ve gotta try a little harder to get out and do things. I’ve got to love and be loved, I suppose.
I’ve also decided that I’m going to try to be a little more dedicated to blogging and documenting. It’s good for my soul, and it’s one of the things that “works for me.” It helps to organize my thoughts and sometimes things just come out when I’m writing that don’t come out when I’m just thinking.
So
I think it’s time to be done with that.
The infiltration of cancer in my life has taught me one thing; life is a gift and a responsibility, and if you don’t live it to the fullest it is your fault. It is your duty to make it the best you can. I think I spend too much time thinking about my duty to improve the lives of others to realize that I am neglecting my own needs and I’m not nurturing my own life. I find that I am my happiest when focusing on improving or adding to something. I’m all about the improvement in everything; I think it’s a teacher thing.
One problem I have been painfully suffering with lately is the fact that I am not so happy about how I look. I think this comes from a summer or undryed hair and makeupless face. It comes from fast food twice a day and a lack of fresh food. It comes from the unwillingness to buy new clothes because I don’t want to look at the size on the label. It comes from a constant comparison to the few females I hang out with who weigh about 6 pounds. It comes from constantly hiding behind a camera instead of being in the picture.
What’s strange right now is that my camera is broken, so I don’t even have the chance to hide behind it. Maybe that’s part of the reason I’ve slipped away from my group of friends and chosen to stay at home, laughing along with my "friends" in the sitcoms and singing with my "friends" on my CDs.
There is no feeling like standing around a piano with your friends and just letting go. Rocky has been so inspiring to me this year to break free and put myself out there. There is no moment in the world that I feel better about myself than when I really let go and just sing from every inch of my being. It’s what makes me feel like, “me.” I don’t know it that makes sense…
When we went shopping for stuff for the show the other day, these two ladies happen to cross my listening path; they were both big girls, and I don’t mean to compare but they were considerably bigger than me – complaining about how the girls on the “plus size” labels are all so pretty and how it’s unrealistic. “Why can’t I look like that? It’s not fair.” I stopped in my tracks and thought to myself, why CAN’T you be plus sized, pretty and REAL? It didn’t make sense to me. Obviously those women on the label had makeup and hair artists, and pretty fancy clothes, but I stopped and thought about it and realized…well maybe they look so good because they aren’t wearing sweatpants, with their hair in a pulled up pony? Maybe they took the time to take pride in how they looked and felt, and it seems to me that this boost of confidence that they have is in part due to the fact that they were wearing something that made them feel good about themselves. They took the time to make themselves feel good. That’s what it boils down to. For some people, it might not be “looking good.” Maybe it’s being in shape, or being good at a sport, or having your nails done or…I don’t know, working on your novel or getting your eyeliner on straight…it’s gotta be what works for you.
So what works for me? I don’t know, it’s a mix of things I guess. I just got my gym membership back. I love to dance, so Zumba is a really good class for me. I just wish there were more times I could get to it. I love putting on my ipod and hitting the elliptical too, so that’ll be good. I’ve been “dieting,” but my mind is always disdainful toward the idea of a diet. I’m trying to buy diet soda. I’m keeping track of what I’m eating, and Thursday is my “cheat” day. I’m not gonna stop the world and not go out to dinner with a friend or have a cookie if I want a damn cookie, but I’m just going to try to make better choices and be aware of what I’m putting into my body, and also very importantly, what it does to my body when I put it in. Besides trying to get physical, I think the most of this needs to be emotional and cognitive. I need to spend more time thinking about what works for me and thinking of me in general. I’ve gotta put myself out there to make and maintain friends and get phone calls to go do things. I’ve spent so much time brooding over my group of friends changing so drastically and not feeling like I have a place to fit in anymore, and I know that my private grief and reactions to what my family is currently experiencing has been a huge part of my seclusion, but I guess I’ve gotta try a little harder to get out and do things. I’ve got to love and be loved, I suppose.
I’ve also decided that I’m going to try to be a little more dedicated to blogging and documenting. It’s good for my soul, and it’s one of the things that “works for me.” It helps to organize my thoughts and sometimes things just come out when I’m writing that don’t come out when I’m just thinking.
So
Monday, September 21, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Alanis Morrisette writes songs about my life.
"Everything"
I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it's going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby and you've never met anyone
Who is as negative as I am sometimes
I am the wisest woman you've ever met.
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected.
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
Who's as positive as I am sometimes.
You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here
I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you've never met anyone as,
As closed down as I am sometimes.
You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here
What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go
I'm the funniest woman that you've ever known
I'm the dullest woman that you've ever known
I'm the most gorgeous woman that you've ever known
And you've never met anyone
Who is as everything as I am sometimes
You see everything (you see everything), you see every part (you see every part )
You see all my light (you see all my light) and you love my dark (and you love my dark )
You dig everything (you dig everything) of which I'm ashamed (of which I'm ashamed)
There's not anything (there's not anything) to which you can't relate (to which you can't relate)
And you're still here
(You see everything, you see every part)
And you're still here
(You see all my light and you love my dark)
And you're still here
(You dig everything of which I'm ashamed)
(There's not anything to which you can't relate)
And you're still here...
Friday, July 24, 2009
What will matter...
What Will Matter
Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end.
There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours, or days.
All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else.
Your wealth, fame, and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.
It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed.
Your grudges, resentments, frustrations, and jealousies will finally disappear.
So too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will expire.
The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.
It won’t matter where you came from or what side of the tracks you lived on at the end.
It won’t matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant.
Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.
So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?
What will matter is not what you bought but what you built; not what you got but what you gave.
What will matter is not your success but your significance.
What will matter is not what you learned but what you taught.
What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage, or sacrifice that enriched, empowered, or encouraged others to emulate your example.
What will matter is not your competence but your character.
What will matter is not how many people you knew but how many will feel a lasting loss when you’re gone.
What will matter are not your memories but the memories that live in those who loved you.
What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom, and for what.
Living a life that matters doesn’t happen by accident.
It’s not a matter of circumstance but of choice.
Choose to live a life that matters.
Choose to live a life of character.
Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end.
There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours, or days.
All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else.
Your wealth, fame, and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.
It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed.
Your grudges, resentments, frustrations, and jealousies will finally disappear.
So too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will expire.
The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.
It won’t matter where you came from or what side of the tracks you lived on at the end.
It won’t matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant.
Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.
So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?
What will matter is not what you bought but what you built; not what you got but what you gave.
What will matter is not your success but your significance.
What will matter is not what you learned but what you taught.
What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage, or sacrifice that enriched, empowered, or encouraged others to emulate your example.
What will matter is not your competence but your character.
What will matter is not how many people you knew but how many will feel a lasting loss when you’re gone.
What will matter are not your memories but the memories that live in those who loved you.
What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom, and for what.
Living a life that matters doesn’t happen by accident.
It’s not a matter of circumstance but of choice.
Choose to live a life that matters.
Choose to live a life of character.
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