One of the greatest things about the human race, I’ve realized in my 23 short years here, is that we all need a way to express ourselves and what we are. Some of us are great talkers – we can tell you exactly what we mean or feel in a way that moves you emotionally or otherwise to understand our message in the way we want you to. Some of us are walkers – we inspire others by the things we do and the way we act without even having to explain ourselves. Sometimes I think in the celebrity world those are the coolest people – they aren’t the “talker” Speidis of the world who have to tell you how great they are over 20,000 different social networking websites…they just do what they love and people get it or are inspired by it.
One time someone told me, in a moment of great frustration on my part, that the reason I couldn’t find a picture of myself that I liked was because my “beautiful” came from my energy. She said that there was no way that a picture could capture my spirit and how alive I am when I am moving and being alive. I always hung onto that. I’ve always said that I like to paint because I’ve always known that my physical being is not exactly a work of art. I know that I am not much to look at, but I can make things that really are. Also, I’ve always liked to write – I don’t consider it to be something I’m great at and I have a couple of friends who I really look up to as writers – but I will say that it’s something I just like to do because it just flows. I don’t really think about it that much. It just happens, and it comes from me, and I like that. I’ve always found both of those activities to be therapeutic as well – and both of those activities are ones that can be done spontaneously without great amounts of time or effort attached, which I don’t seem to have room for nowadays.
Many months ago, one of my dearest friends told me that I needed to audition for a show that he and some old friends were working on. Truthfully, painting, writing and reading had been my outlet for the last couple of years besides the good old Rocky Horror Show; fitting a show into my life seemed absolutely impossible. I am grateful beyond words for the chance to be on stage again. Thank you so much, Ray. I will miss you being in this state more than I can say.
I could go on for hours about the joys of belting out a song, putting on makeup and neon colored costumes, taking a curtain call – etc., but what I realized through this experience is that I needed people again. I needed creative, diseased, inspiring, hilarious, sad, drunk, shameless, loving, UNIQUE people, and that is just what I got.
For some actors, and truthfully for me at times, there are moments on stage that give you more than anything in your real life ever has. For me, this show undoubtedly brought me one of my greatest…I’ve never been applauded DURING a song before.
Wow…the humility and gratitude I had at those moments was incredible. I remember collapsing into a hug from Nina almost every single night because I was just in awe of how happy the three of us made people in that moment. I’m so proud of them, and I’m proud of myself too. I think that’s another lesson that I learned or at least really understood during this show…I’m doing these expressive things like singing, painting, acting, dancing, writing for myself, but truthfully for me, it’s to make other people happy, inspired, or to make them think about and understand something. I felt, at so many times during this show that I made people happy, and that made me happy. I’ve been struggling with that in my family life and with my friendships, and just with life in general.
What really matters, I think, is that this got me through so much that I am going through in life – it really reminded me who I am and what I love and what I love to do. It reminded me that the smallest moments in life make me swell up and my heart soar – and that connections with people are outrageously important to me. Example - The audience laughing when Billy yelled, "You wanna piece of this" always gave me chills. They LOVED him. Another? The second, "I don't know mind not knowing..." with Holly...the harmony made my stomach have butterflies! Or here's a good one..."The only difference between a bucket of crap and you is the bucket" and Nina and Mia stomping off stage high fiving to insane applause. That's what happiness is.
I’ll never forget laughing my ass off onstage…seriously, I never break. There was something magical in this cast because it happened all the time. Between people eating paper, people being in my locker when I opened the door, Billy slapping stickers on my hand randomly in the middle of a scene, the hilarity of the ad-libs of the “popular boys”, the frickin’ Judge, booty shaking teachers and the numerous additions of ad-libs in man in the mirror via Mia, Nina and Billy, and counting beads of sweat running down each other’s faces in the finale,
I spent so much of my time on stage being happy just to be there. That’s saying something too, because I am so out of shape and my legs frickin’ hurt ALL THE TIME, just ask Ray or Brad about how whiny I am.
Dave told me that this show did wonders for my “happiness.” I’d have to agree. AND – not to sound needy, (or to start a sentence with a conjunction for that matter) what I’m going through right now with the family is so much harder than I can ever begin to explain. I just have to say that anything that has gotten me through this is something I need to keep doing. I’m a people who needs people. It’s starting to really feel like they need me too. I've gained so much through this expereince, and I am truly thankful for it and for everyone. <3
