My family had been concerned about my Dad’s health for a couple of months, nothing TOO serious, but the worry was there. He had been losing weight, albeit it was TRYING to, and having trouble eating. Weeks ago, when he was on vacation he decided to go to the doctor to finally get this all sorted out. He did a Barium swallow test and they found a blockage in his esophagus. Days later, he did a scope at Wyandotte hospital, and the doctor confirmed the words we didn’t want to her. My Dad has Esophageal cancer. So, honestly, that day we were upset obviously, but Norman and I have tried to stay of the opinion that there’s no reason to really freak out over what we don’t know is going to happen. This is a key running theme in this story. I will not lie to you and tell you I haven’t cried or freaked out, because I have. I think I have experienced the saddest moment of my life this year, when I just could not pull it together and I was in hysterics. But still, why freak over what you don’t know to be true. Easier said then done. ANYWAY! We went to his family doctor that day, got the appointment set up for the CAT scan, and he did that.
My mom is lucky enough to be good friends with a wonderful woman and radiologist at Karmanos who got us an appointment with the best doctor they could offer us. He is the gastrointestinal specialist there, trained and worked at the Cleveland Clinic, and was highly recommended. When we went for the appointment with him a few weeks later to figure out what was going on his sense of humor and warm but firm instructions reaffirmed in my mind that we were going with the best choice. At first he marveled at my Dad’s happy demeanor and good physical shape and thought that there was no way the cancer had spread, and promised that if my Dad listened to him he’d be able to cure his cancer. After leaving and reviewing the CAT scan, he came back with the information that my Dad’s cancer had spread and there was no cure. My Dad has stage four cancer…there is no stage five.
Obviously, I was shocked and scared and ANGRY…boy, I was angry. I have been dealing with my anger about this in therapy and I swear to you that I yelled so much in therapy the other day that I left with a headache. My Dad is a young, funny, vibrant person whose greatest love in life is the work that he does. Beside worrying about his life, I’m just worried about his livelihood. The doctor said that the goal is to control his cancer, because there is no cure for stage four of this particular disease, and to help the patient retain a good quality of life. A shard of hope was sent our way, and I’m holding onto it for dear life. My dad is patient 38 of 39 in a clinical study at Karmanos, thats only in the works at two hospitals in the WORLD, Karmanos being one of them. This special study is a kind of chemo that is supposed to have lessened side effects so that the patients may be able to work or go about life in a more normal way. My Dad will be getting chemo every three weeks, at Karmanos, and he’ll be getting regular scans to make sure that it’s working. If it’s not, they will try something else. The other bit of hope that we received was his PET scan results; his cancer is only in his esophagus and he has 5 tiny spots in his lungs all under 5 cm. Tascha, his radiologist, said this is a good sign – nothing in the brain or bones, so who knows what can happen.
I feel scared, I feel hurt, and worried and hopeful and strong and shattered and sick and blessed and crazy all at the same time. I thank my lucky stars for having such wonderful, strong people around me and for having living proof that cancer is no longer a death sentence surrounding me. You will not believe how many people have been affected by this disease personally or closely until it happens to you or someone in your family. I am surrounded by survivors, fighters, and their cheerleaders. I’m joining the ranks. I won’t lie and say that I’m going to be ok through all of this, because right now the thought of my Dad going through the pain and suffering the treatment will put him through makes me want to break in half, but I will try my hardest to keep Daddy’s little girl and Daddy’s cheerleader as separate people. I am so blessed to have beautiful family members, the best partner a person can ask for, so many great friends and cheerleaders myself. I thank you all for everything you’ve done/will do for me.
I said at the beginning of this post that I spent weeks before this news being depressed. I won’t lie, I’m not exactly in the right place right now, but I’m going to work on getting better. I think sometimes a huge slap in the face tells us things we need to know and realize that our insecurities and blockages won’t let us see and know. I’m always about turning the negative into the positive, and although it’s going to be hard, that’s my plan of action.
“Once you choose hope, anything’s possible.”
-Christopher Reeve
2 comments:
I know we don't have the same beliefs, but at least in my mind...life isn't up to what doctors say or the cancer inside of you.
that cancer, regardless of what stage it is, can be changed. maybe not by medicine or treatment provided by the hospital, but by hope and love and good spirits. I can only imagine how difficult this is...but by supporting your father, being that good cheerleader that you are, is the best thing you can do. keeping your head up and radiating positive energy around him will help him do the same. stress hurts your body, happy helps your body. so the less stressed your dad is, the better for him and his health. not saying you should fake anything, but do your best to encourage him; he is a great guy, and even if this may be what takes him someday, that day doesn't have to be tomorrow or next month or next year.
and remember, do your best to not be down. being upset helps the situation none. you're just wasting good days of your life. you can see that your dad is sick...and take that as a valuable lesson, the cliche-"life is short". but it's true. spending time being down just wastes these days and months and doesn't help your dad get better.
I'm sure you've heard all of that and it's SO easy said, but not so easy done. Just keep your chin up. I'm praying for your entire family. You are incredible, and the little I know your dad, I know he is a great guy. He has always been so cheerful every time I have seen him, and I hope he continues that outlook despite it all...bc it makes the difference!
While I know I haven't been around a ton- I do want you to know that I have been thinking about you since you posted things on facebook about your dad.
I do know what it's like to be totally freaked out by the big c...(sometimes not using the word, or having a nickname for it, or whatever, takes away some of it's power). It is such a whirlwind of emotions, that's really hard to describe or even get the help you need. If you can't find what you need, let me know. That includes stuff I might be able to help with directly (hugs, listening, etc...) and other things; like forums, research, and whatnot...believe me, I've sought out a whole lotta stuff.
Something that changed my life:
http://www.crazysexycancer.com/
Kris Carr, an amazing spit-fire of a woman is unbelievably inspiring...and has an incurable cancer. She's been able to get control of hers...she has tons of inspiring quotes, ideas, etc. if you're ever feeling down- look around that site (and the other one I'm gonna post). Carr did a documentary, Crazy Sexy Cancer, all about her journey with it. From diagnosis and appointments to the lifestyle choices that helped keep the cancer at bay.
Also, http://www.crazysexylife.com has lots of cool stuff on it. INCLUDING groups and forums about supporting people with cancer. Maybe you could find someone like you. Staying positive is important; but if/when you can't- it's nice to know there are other people out there.
I know this isn't easy. For you, your family, your dad. It isn't easy. And it's ok to feel however you're feeling, at any moment you're feeling it. Just please- surround yourself with people that get it, or want to get it. I made the mistake of not doing that; and you'd be amazed at what a difference it makes to have really positive people around.
Get the smiles you need. If you have to work through stuff to get there some days, then work through it. Then, seek out whatever you or your dad needs for some smiles.
I don't mean to sound lecture-like. I'm gonna stop now. You know how to get ahold of me. I've just been dealing with all this for 5 years now- and it helps to pass it on.
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