…and if I capture it on film will it mean that it’s the end and I’m alone?

I have seriously felt the need to get back to blogging, and it’s kind of funny because with all that’s going on in my life currently I have felt no need to write about any of it. What’s also funny is that this summer I have infinite amounts of time to do whatever I wanted because I was basically unemployed and responsibility free. The funny thing about being unemployed? You can’t afford to do anything. So, instead of embracing the time that I had and being happy just to be, I spent a lot of time just being uber depressed and lurking in the pulled-blinds darkness of my room.

I think it’s time to be done with that.

The infiltration of cancer in my life has taught me one thing; life is a gift and a responsibility, and if you don’t live it to the fullest it is your fault. It is your duty to make it the best you can. I think I spend too much time thinking about my duty to improve the lives of others to realize that I am neglecting my own needs and I’m not nurturing my own life. I find that I am my happiest when focusing on improving or adding to something. I’m all about the improvement in everything; I think it’s a teacher thing.

One problem I have been painfully suffering with lately is the fact that I am not so happy about how I look. I think this comes from a summer or undryed hair and makeupless face. It comes from fast food twice a day and a lack of fresh food. It comes from the unwillingness to buy new clothes because I don’t want to look at the size on the label. It comes from a constant comparison to the few females I hang out with who weigh about 6 pounds. It comes from constantly hiding behind a camera instead of being in the picture.

What’s strange right now is that my camera is broken, so I don’t even have the chance to hide behind it. Maybe that’s part of the reason I’ve slipped away from my group of friends and chosen to stay at home, laughing along with my "friends" in the sitcoms and singing with my "friends" on my CDs.

There is no feeling like standing around a piano with your friends and just letting go. Rocky has been so inspiring to me this year to break free and put myself out there. There is no moment in the world that I feel better about myself than when I really let go and just sing from every inch of my being. It’s what makes me feel like, “me.” I don’t know it that makes sense…

When we went shopping for stuff for the show the other day, these two ladies happen to cross my listening path; they were both big girls, and I don’t mean to compare but they were considerably bigger than me – complaining about how the girls on the “plus size” labels are all so pretty and how it’s unrealistic. “Why can’t I look like that? It’s not fair.” I stopped in my tracks and thought to myself, why CAN’T you be plus sized, pretty and REAL? It didn’t make sense to me. Obviously those women on the label had makeup and hair artists, and pretty fancy clothes, but I stopped and thought about it and realized…well maybe they look so good because they aren’t wearing sweatpants, with their hair in a pulled up pony? Maybe they took the time to take pride in how they looked and felt, and it seems to me that this boost of confidence that they have is in part due to the fact that they were wearing something that made them feel good about themselves. They took the time to make themselves feel good. That’s what it boils down to. For some people, it might not be “looking good.” Maybe it’s being in shape, or being good at a sport, or having your nails done or…I don’t know, working on your novel or getting your eyeliner on straight…it’s gotta be what works for you.

So what works for me? I don’t know, it’s a mix of things I guess. I just got my gym membership back. I love to dance, so Zumba is a really good class for me. I just wish there were more times I could get to it. I love putting on my ipod and hitting the elliptical too, so that’ll be good. I’ve been “dieting,” but my mind is always disdainful toward the idea of a diet. I’m trying to buy diet soda. I’m keeping track of what I’m eating, and Thursday is my “cheat” day. I’m not gonna stop the world and not go out to dinner with a friend or have a cookie if I want a damn cookie, but I’m just going to try to make better choices and be aware of what I’m putting into my body, and also very importantly, what it does to my body when I put it in. Besides trying to get physical, I think the most of this needs to be emotional and cognitive. I need to spend more time thinking about what works for me and thinking of me in general. I’ve gotta put myself out there to make and maintain friends and get phone calls to go do things. I’ve spent so much time brooding over my group of friends changing so drastically and not feeling like I have a place to fit in anymore, and I know that my private grief and reactions to what my family is currently experiencing has been a huge part of my seclusion, but I guess I’ve gotta try a little harder to get out and do things. I’ve got to love and be loved, I suppose.

I’ve also decided that I’m going to try to be a little more dedicated to blogging and documenting. It’s good for my soul, and it’s one of the things that “works for me.” It helps to organize my thoughts and sometimes things just come out when I’m writing that don’t come out when I’m just thinking.
So