You called me sugar....

So I’ve come up with this idea of how not to feel like shit about myself anymore.
What a gentle beginning.

Alright, back story. This parts probably going to come out a little bit pessimistic sounding and crappy but I think it has to or you don’t get the point, I don’t know. Anyway, here goes.

I don’t feel like myself anymore. I don’t know if it’s a combination of growing up, people getting sick and dying around me, having “short hair”, taking medicines for problems that seniors citizens have, dealing with weight gain, feeling either extremely older or younger than most of my friends, or watching “What not to Wear” and realizing that most of my closet contains clothes that look younger than I feel right now, not to mention DON’T FIT…I don’t know. Things are weird. Piss.

I feel like I went to therapy for two years, felt fantastic for awhile, obtained my goal of being able to let go of myself enough to fall in love, (and stay in love, love you bunny!) [aww, that was a little break in the clouds there] but then it started cracking. I know a lot of this bullshit happened when Dad got sick, and friends got sick, and money got tight, the semester was very difficult and people moved out and on on and on and on on and on, but…I’ve come to realize that through therapy I lost a lot of who really did make me happy at sometimes. I’ve spent 6-8 months in the gloom and doom of my room which is not actually gloomy or doomy at all but my bad attitude and inability to relate to other human beings at the current stage of my life made it as dark and cold as the catacombs.

What I’m digging at about this therapy thing was that I realized through all of that work that I invested too much time in other people and their happiness and ignored mine when none of them every relayed the favor. Okay, that makes sense. I changed some things, felt pretty good, things happened, whatever. When my Dad got sick and people reach out to you for like a month and then totally forget what you are going through and don’t even ask anymore…you start to feel like ASS. I decided this sensitive subject was something I was going to have to deal with on my own, and did. Not to say that no one cared, because people did care, and I totally understand that this is the kind of situation where sometimes you just don’t know what to say…I don’t know. I end like every sentence in ‘I don’t know’ when I’m talking and when
I’m blogging. ANYWAY…

The point is I lost a huge part of myself when I stopped living for other people. I am not saying I am going to back to my old ways, but I think it’s time to reach out to the world a bit more, and even if I don’t give back exactly what I put in, it will make me feel a bit more worthwhile and bring some joy to me. I think maybe at that time I was just reaching out to the wrong people. It’s time to change that.
I have devised a little project and I’m going to try to share it on this blog. If you know me well, you know that music and especially lyrics can kill me in a second. There are just certain songs that I can’t help but cry during, and the list might surprise you because some of them are extremely happy songs. I attach faces, memories, moments and feelings to each word and it just overwhelms me. Since I’ve been thinking about how to make things better and making out a game plan, when I was watching the Grammys and pink’s AMAZING performance, I listened to the lyrics in that song and they reached me in a bigger way than they ever had before. It was just the right moment.


Have you ever thrown a fistful of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, ‘I just don’t care.”



So, the name of my project is now fistful of glitter. Maybe the FOG project for short. That’s what I’ll tag it at in here. I am going to try to think more about what things in my life make me happy and recognize the moments that make my soul sparkle. I think I’m going to find that there is a lot I’ve been overlooking.

I’m not trying to like pimp out my blog or be like heyyy look at me, but I’m detaching it from my facebook and I’m encouraging comments and ideas. I want to follow through on this, and knowing what I know about myself – I thrive off of people – some feedback might help.