I'm fine and dandy with the me inside...

Starting a new journal has been weighing heavy on my mind, and I honestly type faster than I write, so I think this will be fantastic. I'm going to keep most of it public, but I'm sure there will be personal bits and pieces that I don't feel like sharing with the world. I've decided to go blogger because honestly, I just type faster than I write, and I'm seriously always at my computer. I also thought it would be a great way for people like my mom, or whoever, (she's probably the only one) to see what I've been up to or whatever. And - you can post pictures or whatever you want on this site, so yeah. Woo blog.

So I guess the biggest thing I have to write about is that I am starting a new chapter of my life by moving out of my parents house. I have wonderful parents and a wonderful brother who I love very very much, but I have realized that I have become too comfortable. Therapy has taught me something about myself - I love being comfortable and I want to cling to "forever", but I'm actually only happy when I'm starting something new. I don't know if that's exactly the best way to put it. I only feel fulfilled when I'm still passionate about something or starting something new. So, I figured, the degree isn't gonna roll around for awhile, I'm going to be doing the same kind of job for awhile, why not take a big step and move out.

I am super blessed to share a condo with a lovely girl named Emily who I've known for probably 10ish years now. She is honestly one of the best people on this planet, and honestly she's one of the only people I could probably handle living with. She has a crazy but lovable cat named Cambria, and it is great.

I honestly think that moving out is going to do wonders for me. I won't lie, it hasn't been all that easy for me. It's very hard for me to let go of what is comfortable and familiar. I never even left my parent's house for a semester of college, so even though it's not far away, and I live with someone I already know very well - it's a big step for me. In therapy, and well, I guess now that I've lived out of my parent's house for a week, I've realized - contrary to popular belief - that I am one of the lonliest people that I know. Mind you, I have lots of great best friends, friends, brothers in my fraternity, etc. but I don't have alot of what I'm looking for. That's okay, but it's time to start aligning the stars correctly so that I can get where I need to be.

It's hard to take a step outside of your life and look at what's really been going on. Being out of my house has made me realize so much about my friendships, my relationship with my family, my relationship with myself...some ways good, some ways bad, but it's definitely a growing experience.

It's looking at the little things...like, oops I got in the shower without a towel...if I lived on my own, who would get me that towel? Coming home to an empty house is extremely weird for me. Are people my friends because they are there and so am I, or do they still want to be there if I have to call them first? Am I a tag along, or am I a gatherer? I've been majorly sick all week. No one is there to pamper me. But that's good. I need to be able to find comfort in myself in order to find comfort in others. No more reaching out and reaching out waiting for something to fall back. I need to reach out to myself first.

I'm adjusting. I'm happy with my choice, but not happy at every moment. I'm very sentimental, and sometimes saying goodbye to my mom on the phone is hard for me. Not seeing her every day is alot harder to me than I thought it would be. Not seeing Asia, or hearing Mickey whistling tugs at my heart strings a little. It's nice to call my mom and hear her voice, or to get an IM from Norman. It's also nice to know that I am being an adult, and that people want to come see my house and such. I don't know. This is huge for me! It's important for me to do this. I'm definitely not unhappy. I'm very happy with this choice. I'm just not going to pretend that I don't have my moments where I kind of think, well if I hadn't moved out I'd be doing this at this moment. But, I think I'd have many more of those moments if I hadn't actually moved out. I'd definitely regret it, and I am just putting as much into this commitment to myself as I can.

One of my biggest concerns, and I know this would sound super silly to most people, is that my Grandma, who was pretty much my world growing up, wouldn't follow me to the condo. I constantly have talks with her at night, and I could just feel her in my room. The same room we shared so many times and had so many laughs in - I just hope she knows where to find me. I'm sure she does, but you know...yeah. I'm a little silly, but it's important to me.

I hate to keep saying I'm happy but I'm not. The truth is: I wasn't happy to begin with, so there's no way that this could bring instant happiness. I think when you move out so many people expect you to crash financially or emotionally or in whatever way; I don't think that will be me. I'm not gonna crash, but it's not like an instant fix either - it's just a great big step (more like a jump or a leap, even) in the right direction.

So there's that post. It's like an intro to the journal that I'm about to keep. It's closing a chapter in my life, and opening a new one.

Here goes nothin'.