Everybody plays the fool...

"Oh what a shame that your pockets did bleed on st. valentine's
And you sat in a chair
Thinking "boy i'm such a prince!"
Well, life's a train that goes from february on
Day by day
But it's making a stop on April first..."



I guess the first April Fool's joke that got me today was Adult Swim's AWESOME movie that was on, (did anyone see that, haha it was god awful and hilarious once I actually started watching it) and then you know, my brother's IM of "I hate Black People"......."JUST KIDDING APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!" so that's been it. And I guess since I will only be seeing Harper/other little kids today, (wow, I just started a sentence with and, but nothing else felt right!) that'll be it.

If you can't tell, I'm feeling a little pessimistic/sad this week, and I can't seem to shake it. Overall, I'm really happy and well, but I just can't shake it. (I can't shake him!)(Sheesh, what is up with the parentheses too?) ANYWAY:

So, up there, I posted a picture of one of my favorite tarot cards - the fool. Here's a blurb I stole from wikipedia:


The Fool is the spirit in search of experience. He represents the mystical cleverness bereft of reason within us, the childlike ability to tune into the inner workings of the world. The sun shining behind him represents the divine nature of the Fool's wisdom and exuberance. On his back are all the possessions he might need. In his hand there is a flower, showing his appreciation of beauty. He is frequently accompanied by a dog, sometimes seen as his animal desires, sometimes as the call of the "real world", nipping at his heels and distracting him. He is seemingly unconcerned that he is standing on a precipice, apparently about to step off.

The number 0 is a perfect significator for the Fool, as it can become anything when he reaches his destination. Zero plus anything equals the same thing. Zero times anything equals zero. Zero is nothing, a lack of hard substance, and as such it may reflect a non-issue or lack of cohesiveness for the subject at hand.

I have seriously felt alot like the fool this year. I've taken BIG leaps off of that cliff, some for the better, some for the worse, but in the end I think it's all been worth it. Sometimes my emotional nature makes me feel a little bit too MUCH like the fool - I can react in ways that may not be proactive in my life just because they feel like the right or wrong thing to do, depending on how I feel. Most of all, I can SERIOUSLY relate to the seeing beauty in the world part, and definitly the whole "real world" nipping at your heels thing. I think we all can. I think in our twenties most of us are ALOT like the fool.

So my idea was to list a few reasons why I've played the fool. In my life, lately, whatever. Some are happy, some are sad, but it seems like the right thing to do at this moment, so here I go.

I've played the fool because:

I thought going into education would be a much more secure job than persuing musical theater/performance. I honestly may have been better off making the other choice nowadays.

I spent a large part of my life worrying about being lonely and my position in this world regarding people, I should have realized that I am a people magnet and the ones that matter have been there from the beginning/will be there until the end.

I struggle with the meaning of beauty and finding it in myself, but I find constant beauty in every situation, person, thought, or whatever on the planet and I need to start finding it, agknowledging it, and honoring it more within myself.

I have looked so hard and spent so much time looking for, finding, and obsessing over love and people that I thought I loved and loved me - the one that did was there all along and loved me more than I think any other person could love another. I am thankful my foolishness sorted itself out on this one, because it's the most beautiful and amazing part of my life and I count my lucky shamrocks every day.

I spend so much time working and trying to make it in the world, that I overlook the things that I really love quite often: I need to make more time to sing, sleep, paint, read and do those things because you only get one life and obviously we need to work to support ourselves, but why support a life that doesn't make you happy?

I feel like there are a thousand more I could write about, but that's it for now. I'm trying to drag myself out of this slump so I feel like I'll be writing alot more in the next few days.